THE 12 "MOST IMPORTANT" THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU OWN A
HORSE....
1.. To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
2.. To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
3.. To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
4.. To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
5.. To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
6.. To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
7.. To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
8.. To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
9.. To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
10.. To induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
11.. To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
12.. To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
HORSE....
1.. To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
2.. To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
3.. To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
4.. To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
5.. To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
6.. To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
7.. To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
8.. To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
9.. To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
10.. To induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
11.. To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
12.. To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
Glossary of Horse Terms
a.. Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
b.. Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .
c.. A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
d.. Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
e.. Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
f.. Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
g.. Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
h.. Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
i.. Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
j.. Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
k.. Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
l.. Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
m.. Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
n.. Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
o.. Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
p.. Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
q.. Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
r.. Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
s.. Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
t.. Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
u.. Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
v.. Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
w.. Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
(and my very own)....
x. Chap: what your butt cheeks are after the first trail ride of the season.
a.. Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
b.. Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .
c.. A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
d.. Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
e.. Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
f.. Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
g.. Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
h.. Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
i.. Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
j.. Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
k.. Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
l.. Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
m.. Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
n.. Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
o.. Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
p.. Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
q.. Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
r.. Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
s.. Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
t.. Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
u.. Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
v.. Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
w.. Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
(and my very own)....
x. Chap: what your butt cheeks are after the first trail ride of the season.
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Do you remember that great commercial for Budweiser a couple of years ago during the super
bowl?
Here's a link to it. Probably need dsl for it. budweiser
bowl?
Here's a link to it. Probably need dsl for it. budweiser
Why do I like horses? I think I must be mad.
My mother wasn't horsey - And neither was my dad.
But the madness hit me early - and it hit me like a curse.
And I've never gotten better. In fact I've gotten worse.
My stables are immaculate. My house is like a hovel.
Last year for my birthday - I got a brand new shovel.
I hardly read a paper - but I know who's sold their horse.
And I wouldn't watch the news - Unless Mr. Ed was on - of course.
One eye's always on the heavens -but my washing waves in vain
As I rush to get the horses in - in case it's gonna rain.
And though they're wearing 15 rugs, the best that you can get,
I bring them in to keep them dry - while I get soaking wet.
I spend up every cent I've got - on horsey stuff for sure
I buy saddles, bridles, fancy rugs - and then I buy some more.
I should have had my hair cut - or bought that nice blue shirt
At least it wouldn't now look ripped to shreds and in the dirt
I can't make a bloody sponge cake -I don't even try
But I can back a car and trailer - in the twinkling of an eye.
It's jeans and R.M. boots that I live in night and day
And that smell of sweaty horses just doesn't wash away.
Once every now and then I dress up for a ball
Make up and a hairdo - with high heel shoes and all.
I ache from long forgotten falls. My knees have got no skin.
My toes have gone a funny shape - from being squashed again.
But late at night, when all is still - and I've gone to give them hay,
I touch their velvet softness and my worries float away.
They give a gentle nicker and they nuzzle through my hair
And I know it's where my heart is - more here than anywhere
- Author Unknown
My mother wasn't horsey - And neither was my dad.
But the madness hit me early - and it hit me like a curse.
And I've never gotten better. In fact I've gotten worse.
My stables are immaculate. My house is like a hovel.
Last year for my birthday - I got a brand new shovel.
I hardly read a paper - but I know who's sold their horse.
And I wouldn't watch the news - Unless Mr. Ed was on - of course.
One eye's always on the heavens -but my washing waves in vain
As I rush to get the horses in - in case it's gonna rain.
And though they're wearing 15 rugs, the best that you can get,
I bring them in to keep them dry - while I get soaking wet.
I spend up every cent I've got - on horsey stuff for sure
I buy saddles, bridles, fancy rugs - and then I buy some more.
I should have had my hair cut - or bought that nice blue shirt
At least it wouldn't now look ripped to shreds and in the dirt
I can't make a bloody sponge cake -I don't even try
But I can back a car and trailer - in the twinkling of an eye.
It's jeans and R.M. boots that I live in night and day
And that smell of sweaty horses just doesn't wash away.
Once every now and then I dress up for a ball
Make up and a hairdo - with high heel shoes and all.
I ache from long forgotten falls. My knees have got no skin.
My toes have gone a funny shape - from being squashed again.
But late at night, when all is still - and I've gone to give them hay,
I touch their velvet softness and my worries float away.
They give a gentle nicker and they nuzzle through my hair
And I know it's where my heart is - more here than anywhere
- Author Unknown
Horse Husband's Lament
My wife she has a quarter horse, with flaxen mane and tail
She thinks he is the finest thing that ever jogged a rail
She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell,
that fancy pampered quarter horse has made my life pure HELL.
My wife she used to cook for Me and serve it with champagne
Now she'd rather feed that horse and fix his special grain.
She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night,
The last time that she kissed Me it was just to be polite.
He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties,
My wardrobe's so neglected now that I attract the flies.
One day my wife was shopping, she was down at the mall,
And fancy, pampered Dandy was just standing in his stall.
He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin,
I'd saddle that fat sucker, and take him for a spin.
I've wondered since if cues I gave, he might have misconstrued,
For when I climbed aboard that horse, he rightly came UNGLUED.
He bucked and spun, and snorted fire, and threw me through a fence.
I saw big stars and there are 6 teeth I ain't heard from since.
My wife came home and saw me, just lying in the dirt,
She rushed up to her HORSE and asked him, "Sweetheart, are you
HURT?"
He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me
yet,
She left me lying in the mud, and ran to call the VET!!!
(author unknown)
Top 10 Exercises for the Equestrian
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don’t pick
it up right away. Shout, “Get off, Get off, GET OFF!”
9.Leap out of a moving vehicle & practice “relaxing in
the fall.” Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your
feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and
write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7.Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot.
Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing -
they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and
practice pulling it to a halt. Smile as if you are
having fun!
5. Hone your fibbing skills “See, hon, moving hay
bales in FUN!” & “No, really, I’m glad your lucky
performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue
ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and
actual ability won me second place.”
4.Practice dialing your chiropractor’s number with
both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot
anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army slogan: Be All That You Can Be -
bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen, etc.
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most
expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, “This
is a learning experience, this is a learning
experience, this is…”
1. The number 1 exercise to become a better equestrian
- marry money!!
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don’t pick
it up right away. Shout, “Get off, Get off, GET OFF!”
9.Leap out of a moving vehicle & practice “relaxing in
the fall.” Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your
feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and
write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7.Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot.
Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing -
they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and
practice pulling it to a halt. Smile as if you are
having fun!
5. Hone your fibbing skills “See, hon, moving hay
bales in FUN!” & “No, really, I’m glad your lucky
performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue
ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and
actual ability won me second place.”
4.Practice dialing your chiropractor’s number with
both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot
anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army slogan: Be All That You Can Be -
bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen, etc.
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most
expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, “This
is a learning experience, this is a learning
experience, this is…”
1. The number 1 exercise to become a better equestrian
- marry money!!
MORE ADDED- SCROLL ALL THE WAY DOWN...
the horse stopped with a jerk......
the jerk fell off
the horse stopped with a jerk......
the jerk fell off
only horse people...
* Believe in the 11th Commandment: Inside leg to outside rein.
* Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon
yellow.
* Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stables.
* Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
* Are banned from Laundromats.
* Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
* Can magically lower their voices five octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.
* Have a language all their own (”If he pops his shoulder, I have to close
that hand and keep pushing with my seat in case he sucks back”.)
* Will end relationships over their hobby.
* Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
* Insure their horses for more than their cars.
* Will give you 20 names and reasons for that bump on your horse.
* Know more about their horse’s nutrition than their own.
* Have neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
* Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
* Have less wardrobe than their horse.
* Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.
* Mucking stalls is better then Zoloft any day.
* Believe in the 11th Commandment: Inside leg to outside rein.
* Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon
yellow.
* Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stables.
* Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
* Are banned from Laundromats.
* Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
* Can magically lower their voices five octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.
* Have a language all their own (”If he pops his shoulder, I have to close
that hand and keep pushing with my seat in case he sucks back”.)
* Will end relationships over their hobby.
* Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
* Insure their horses for more than their cars.
* Will give you 20 names and reasons for that bump on your horse.
* Know more about their horse’s nutrition than their own.
* Have neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
* Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
* Have less wardrobe than their horse.
* Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.
* Mucking stalls is better then Zoloft any day.
WHY CAN'T PONIES SING?
BECAUSE THEY'RE A LITTLE
HORSE..........
(I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP)
BECAUSE THEY'RE A LITTLE
HORSE..........
(I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP)
How many Horses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C’mon you guys - catch up!
* Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I’m scared of light bulbs! I’m outta here!
* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.
* Standardbred: Oh for Pete’s Sake, give me the darn bulb and let’s be done with it.
* Shetland: Give it to me. I’ll kill it and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.
* Friesian: I would, but I can’t see where I’m going from behind all this mane.
* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.
* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn’t anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are
bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I’m gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I’ll rewire the barn after, too.
* Appaloosa: Ya’ll are a bunch of losers. We don’t need to change the light bulb; I ain’t scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop jumping up and
down before I double barrel him.
* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?
* Mustang: Light bulb? Let’s go on a trail ride, instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.
* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose, after which I will
perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn’t think so.
* Miniature: I bet you think I can’t do it just cause I’m small. You know what that is? It’s sizeism!
* Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it’s my owner’s light bulb and no one else has ever touched it.
* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only
on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or pink bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.
* Cleveland Bay: I’m busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.
* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the &#/~..# light bulb away from me! I’m ready to show, really, I promise I’ll win!
* Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.
* POA: I’m not changing it. I’m the one who kicked the old one and broke it in the first place, remember?Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.
* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and changed it while you were all arguing.
Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C’mon you guys - catch up!
* Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I’m scared of light bulbs! I’m outta here!
* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.
* Standardbred: Oh for Pete’s Sake, give me the darn bulb and let’s be done with it.
* Shetland: Give it to me. I’ll kill it and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.
* Friesian: I would, but I can’t see where I’m going from behind all this mane.
* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.
* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn’t anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are
bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I’m gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I’ll rewire the barn after, too.
* Appaloosa: Ya’ll are a bunch of losers. We don’t need to change the light bulb; I ain’t scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop jumping up and
down before I double barrel him.
* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?
* Mustang: Light bulb? Let’s go on a trail ride, instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.
* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose, after which I will
perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn’t think so.
* Miniature: I bet you think I can’t do it just cause I’m small. You know what that is? It’s sizeism!
* Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it’s my owner’s light bulb and no one else has ever touched it.
* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only
on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or pink bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.
* Cleveland Bay: I’m busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.
* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the &#/~..# light bulb away from me! I’m ready to show, really, I promise I’ll win!
* Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.
* POA: I’m not changing it. I’m the one who kicked the old one and broke it in the first place, remember?Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.
* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and changed it while you were all arguing.